My ex-boyfriend is locked up right now and is trying to get back into court on a post-conviction, in order to either (A) be released on time-served or (B) go back to trial to get acquitted or a lesser sentence. He and I went our separate ways while he was locked up. I tried to be the good girlfriend, holding it down for my man while he was doing his bid, but f*ck that! I’m too young for that sh*t… I have my own life to live, rather than to put it on hold b/c he decided to do something stupid w/o regards to me.

Although we went our separate ways, we are attempting to remain friends b/c of regardless of what happened b/w us as a couple, we have always been friends. Plus all of his so-called friends turned their backs on him when he 1st got locked up… he doesn’t need someone else leaving him out in the cold, so-to-speak. I know the dudes are thinking, “f*ck that, if you was my girl, you would NOT remain friends w/ your ex!” And to that I say (1) I’m grown… you can’t tell me what I can/can’t or will/won’t do! (2) My husband and I have complete trust in one another and we are confident in our relationship. The friendships that he and I share with the opposite sex does not make either one of us question our relationship.

With that said… before his incarceration, he lived up the street from my grandmother and 2 of my cousins. The crime that he’s locked up for, went down in front of my grandmother’s house. His parents suggested that maybe I or my cousins could be of some assistance to the post-conviction. So we each contacted the lawyer. Anything that I would have to say would be of hearsay, and they couldn’t go with that. They were unsure at first if my cousins could help… until last week.

My ex’s dad called me and asked me to give them my cousins’ number (again.) And so I did. I don’t understand why they wouldn’t keep my cousins’ number when they knew it was a possibility they would be needed for the case… but anyways… A week later he calls me stating that he needs my help to get my cousins to cooperate. I’m the type of person, that when you’re talking to me, I don’t hear WHAT you say to me until after I hear HOW you say it to me. And if your tone is rude (to me) I tune out the message. His dad is saying, “I don’t know what’s wrong with your cousins…” (Not a muthaf*ckin thing!) “…but they said they would help, and now they’re M.I.A. If they’re not going to help, then that’s what they should say. But I need you to get them to help.”

My cousins’ are grown ass men. They’re going to (or not going to) do as the please regardless of what anyone says to them. I’ve already spoken to them and made it clear to them, if they help, then great, if not, then please let his parents know that you won’t be doing anything, so they can leave me the f*ck alone! I haven’t seen or spoken to my cousins since Christmas day. Both of their cell phones are off, and neither one are ever home when I call. I can’t do anything more than call (as you have already done.) I can’t help you!!!

I’ve tried to be respectful. I understand that they just have their son’s best interest at heart… but they are really getting on my last nerve! It’s come to the point where they only call me (now) to express that they need my cousins’ help. They used to call occasionally to check on me and my well-being (even after me and their son split.) I feel some type of way about that! So now, I hardly ever answer the phone when they call, and most of the time, I don’t return their phone call. And if I do call, I make sure it’s when they aren’t home so I can just leave a message. I want to just answer the phone one day and say, “I can’t help you! All I can do is call them, just as you have. If you haven’t gotten in touch with them… what makes you think that I will?? Stop calling me! The lawyers don’t need me, they need my cousins. Call them… or drive pass their house like you did before… do what you want… just stop calling me!!!” But that’s rude, so I didn’t. Instead, I wrote my ex and asked him to put an end to the situation… Hopefully it works….

I’m not feeling that great this week. I caught a cold Friday night. My girls and I went out to Club Mate and had the greatest time for my home-girl Kiya’s birthday. I haven’t partied with that group of girls (K, T, & S) like that I think ever, and I haven't partied like that period in a minute! But because I had so much fun, I was sweating and then had to step out into that cold ass air afterwards. I was too drunk at the time to use commonsense to get a towel or something to wipe some of the sweat off of me… and now in turn, I have a horrible cold!

I got my hair done on Saturday, but I haven’t felt well in the mornings, that I’ve been rocking a pony tail all week. I must’ve felt it coming Saturday b/c we went to my husband’s co-worker birthday party that night, and it was hot, but I just wasn’t feeling it… I wasn’t in the mood (and I’m always in the mood to party!) Right now, my head is POUNDING!! I just want to go home and get into my bed… but that’s not possible. I’m still w/in my 90-day probationary period at work, so I can’t take off for sh*t! So I’m at work bored out of my mind b/c I’m just not in the mood to do any work. If I were at my old job, I would’ve left after lunch. Damn I need a job that gives me my freedom like that again.

My original plan was to give this place 6 months… but I have decided f*ck that! After my 90 days are up (1-31-06) my search for a new job is on BIG TIME!! I’ve decided to be picky this time around. Don’t settle for something just because it gets me out of the situation that I’m in… but I’m going to be happy about the pay, the location, the hours, the job itself, the people -- everything! My next place of employment, I plan to be there for a while!! At least 5 years (which is a while in the IT profession.) I know that things will work out for me, b/c 2006 is the year of supernatural success in all areas of my life and I know that God won’t let me down.

I just need to work on my patience. Patience is a virtue that I lack… but I intend to work on that… and some other personality traits within…

I first met James when I was 8 and he was 12. We went to Bentalou Basketball Camp together. So for three or four years we saw each other every summer. Feelings for each other weren’t at that level (like they are now) back then. Honestly, I was like a little sister to him and all of his friends. But God must have known better than that… even way back then!

So years go on and he’s at Towson Catholic High School (but I didn’t know that at the time – he was a childhood friend long gone to me.) When it came time for me to choose a high school, I had the choices of Towson Catholic, Randallstown, Milford Mill, or St. Frances. St. Frances offered a scholarship/financial assistant before TC did, so that’s where I ended up. But TC and SFA were rivals (still are) so were would see each other at the basketball games. Even after he graduated, he would still come to the games just because they were so good. We would speak, but nothing more or nothing less. Even when I transferred to Randallstown my senior year, we would see each other at my games (whenever he was in town.)

Now it was time for me to go off to college. My choices were Penn State, Drexel, Lincoln, and my fall back was Morgan. (I wanted to leave Baltimore, but didn’t want to go too far so that’s why my choices were in PA.) When it came time to apply, I decided not to apply to Lincoln b/c it was a HBCU and I knew I wouldn’t do well. I was boy-crazy! I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate with all of them n*ggas around me. Plus at the time I had a boyfriend of 3 years, and we wanted to make it work – if I went to a Black school away from home – it wouldn’t have worked. So I went to Penn State. So we missed each other again b/c he was at Lincoln….

But what’s even crazier than us almost attending the same school twice, is that we lived not even 10 minutes away from each other for a while, and never knew it! That is until he finally had the balls to say something to me down Hammerjacks! (just kidding baby) I spent my 21st birthday Friday at HJ and fell in love! Me and my girls were down there like every other week.

Apparently James saw me damn near every time I was there, but he never said anything to me. He claims that he wanted to, but I had a different n*gga in my face… blah, blah, blah. I was like whatever, that’s no excuse b/c ALL females had someone in their face down HJ… especially if they were drunk (which I always was.) N*ggas were trying to beat whatever they could… drunk females were seen as easy prey. Anyways… Black Friday 2003, I lose my home-girl (the one in Charlotte) after the club. So I’m sitting on the hood of my car waiting for her, and who finally has the balls to speak? Yes, James. So we’re talking, playing catch-up, and I ask to walk with me to find E. That’s when we realized we both had Nextels and decided to exchange numbers. He called me once that night to make sure I made it home safe and then I didn’t hear from him in a while.

Two weeks go by, so I calls him and we’ve been friends ever since. He claims that he was feeling me, that I can ask any of his friends. But I’m like, if you were feeling me, you should have told ME, not everybody else. So we didn’t start “dating” until I came home from school in May of 2004. We finally became exclusive August 19, 2004 and have been inseparable since.

We both share the same values and outlook on life. When we really started getting serious, we both agreed that we would do things the “right” way. We wouldn’t live together nor have children until we were married. But now I want to renege on our agreement.

I want to move in with him, but he wants to stick to the original plan. I’m like why? It’s like we live together now. Since Christmas day (with the exception of Charlotte) I have slept at his house EVERY night. I have everything except for clothes at his house. We’re GOING to get married, so what’s wrong with living together prior to doing so.

My grandmother and his family are very religious people. They would totally disapprove with us living together before getting married. But the more I think about it, we’re grown! Who are we living our lives for? Them or us? I ran this by my home-girl and she’s like we should go ahead, especially since it’s like we live together anyways. She said if we really wanted to please our families, then we wouldn’t have sex prior to being married, but we do. We don’t seek their approval in doing so, so why should this be any different?

He and I both plan for things (financially) like my ring on his end :o) But different things come up and set us back. If we lived together, there would no longer be his money & my money. It would OUR money and we would be set. We would not longer be “Successfully Broke.” (And I could get my ring!! And NO, that's not my motive for moving in!)

I’m not going to pressure him. If he feels strongly about wanting to wait, then I have no choice but to respect that. But is it really wrong to live together before getting married, although you KNOW this is the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?

OK.. So my boss is gone for the rest of the day and I decided that I wasn’t going to do anymore work today. I asked my blog-chat-room friends to give me a topic to blog about… and I decided on my husband. But just as I was ready to begin discussing how we met, re-met, and fell in love, my home-girl emails me this question: If you had a friend who ran off to get married and never told you for about two years, what would you do and how would you react? So I decided to postpone my blog about my husband for another day and talk about that question…

First off, I’d stop calling this person my friend. Friends don’t keep secrets from each other, especially big ones like that! Friends share everything with one another, especially something wonderful as marriage even if it is via eloping. But more importantly… the friend would be there to share in that special event. I have 5 FRIENDS… and they will all be a part of my wedding day. Hell… 1 of them is the groom!

Secondly, I would ask this person, why did they feel as though they couldn’t tell me about their marriage. I would feel some type of way about that! Did they feel that I wouldn’t be happy for them? If they were trying to keep it low-key, did they feel that they couldn’t trust me? My feelings would be hurt…

…But then I’d get over it and ask them for ALL of the details… When’s the anniversary! How was the day… the honeymoon… married life! Although I’d feel some type of way at first, and although I can be selfish, I wouldn’t let my anger get in the way of my happiness for this person (still no longer friend) if they were truly happy with their decision.

What would you do?

I got this as an email and then I read Angie's blog post (The Next Level) So I've decided to share this email with the women bloggers out there....

Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. ! They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I arrived in Charlotte about 10PM and headed straight to my home-girl house to “shit, shower, shave” as my husband puts it.. We got dressed in headed to Club Savoy about 11 something (her co-worker suggested this spot and Rell confirmed it to be a decent club.) We get to the door, show our ID’s and the bouncer’s like, “I can’t let you in.” Turns out, the spot was 25+ (and I’m only 23.) But (I’m guessing) since I had a Maryland ID and she had a Pennsylvania ID (plus the fact that she’s 29) he let us in anyways (once he looked us up and down, checking us out.)

This next section is for my blogger-chat-room folks that feel the need to talk about Baltimore and our style of dress/appearance…. So we goes in the club... hits the bar and then make our way to a spot in the club where we can view the dance floor and the rest of the club. For my Baltimoreans, the crowd was that of a Hammerjacks on a Friday night – come as you are type thing – but the chicks looked a mess! Unless they were damn neared bald… they were tracked up… multi-colored tracks at that. I remember this one girl had on a white shirt that had holes across the breast (they were there intentionally) but chick had on a RED bra!! So you would think that she would’ve tried to hook that up in some way (red accessories somewhere!) but NO!! Then there was this dude... he had on a black t-shirt (it’s seems like they’re big on screen-pressed t-shirts down there) with jeans that had tan patches on the front and back (like the ones that were out when I was in elementary/middle school) and some red & green tennis! There was this dude (had to be in 40’s if not older) that had on a black leather outfit dancing with err’body! I thought he was gay.. but the way he was up in females faces.. I don’t know….

The DJ was whack! He played a lot of old school R&B and Hip Hop.. the current music was mainly down south crap… don’t get me wrong, I like it to party to.. but only when it’s mixed right. He would go from Lil’ John, to Ashanti, to Kanye, to Trilleville, to Biggie (one song at a time) Sorry… my brother & best friend are DJ’s and I’ve always critiqued other DJ’s… he was terrible! I don’t care where you’re from… Jay-Z is hot! At least one (if not 5-10) of his songs should be played in a club… I didn’t hear one!

But we got a lot of compliments throughout the night. How pretty we were, that it’s obvious we weren’t from there b/c we stood out from the crowd. That we look like we got good jobs with benefits (the corniest lines ever!) But one that took the cake was from this dude that had corn-rolls and a bowl in one (if you can imagine that) He kept staring at me and then finally comes over to me and is like “give me your number” I was like, “what?” “Give me your number, I cuts straight to the point” “uh, NO!” He looked at me like he couldn’t believe that I told him no. Who in their right mind would give someone their number off of that line? How about, “Hello, how are you, I’m so-and-so, what’s your name, would you mind if we exchanged numbers?” so I can be more polite when I tell you “no, I have a man… a good one!” So when we’re leaving, my home-girl thanks the bouncer for letting me in and they gets the rapping... exchange numbers and he’s like, I’ll be here tomorrow night if ya’ll want to come back through….

Saturday… We went to the MLK parade. Nice, but could use some better organization. The different bands/drill teams/churches (etc.) had like a 10-15 min lag time b/w the next one. That should never be the case! 5 minutes tops! But overall, it was decent. Then we went to Concord Mills (similar to Arundel Mills) and went to Jeepers with the kids. I’m a big kid too, so it didn’t bother me any… We got on some of the rides with them :o) When I say “this is a small world” I truly mean it… I used to say it in reference to Baltimore, but when we were in Jeepers, I saw this dude that bought me a drink the night before… small world, small world. We drove around just touring the city. Charlotte is crazy with how they name their streets. About 80% of the streets change names at least 5 times within a 20 mile stretch.. that’s crazy! Who would ever know how to get around town without getting lost first?!? After that, we headed back to the crib to take a nap before going out again (a nap? I know.. I’m old!)

So her brother calls and was like, “I don’t know ya’ll plans for tonight, but my homeboys are hanging out and ya’ll can hang with them if you’d like. You don’t have to worry about anything the entire night…” I’m like, “free drinks? Bet! I’m there!” So the deal was, if we didn’t have fun with the brother’s friends, we’ll just leave and go back to Savoy… but if they’re cool, we’ll stay. So we meet them at one bar as they’re about to leave to go to another one… When we walked up to them, after 5 seconds, I was ready to ditch them then. I had a bottle of E&J in the car, so if I didn’t get free drinks off of them, I would have been ok! It was about 5 of them and ALL of them were sizing us up with the look on their face like “I’m going to get some ass tonight!” No b*tch, try again!

So we went to downtown… Kicked out $5 for the parking garage (that wasn’t apart of the deal!) It’s cold as f*ck outside Sat night as we walked 2 blocks to whatever club we went to… I’m freezing and complaining about the walk… one of the dudes is like “as thick as your legs are, you complaining about walking?” No response. Another one is like, “we can walk together and keep each other warm.” Again, no response. By this time, I was peeved by the looks and comments received by these country ass dudes all night and have decided that I was going to be drunk as hell before I left, I was going to get my $5 back, and I wasn’t paying for sh*t! So they paid our admission and supplied our drinks. Two Hennessey & Cokes and 2 shots of Jose (tequila for the non-drinkers) I was nice! I told the one dude he owed me $5, he pulled out a stack of money and I got my money back. If I was a trifling female, I would have took more than $5… but my mother raised me better than that. So we were like, we need some air and dipped! Caught a cab to the garage and laughed about the situation and them country ass n*ggaz all the way to Savoy.

Savoy on a Sat (Baltimoreans again) the crowd is like Club One on a Friday. Dressy jean look. I had more fun with this crowd (or could it have b/c I was drunk prior to entering the club?) Anyways.. the bouncer not only let my underage tail in, he let us in for free :o) Free ALWAYS works for me! Being that when I’m in full party mode as I was in.. Jay-Z must be heard… so I requested to hear a Jay-Z song (I was like, I don’t care what song it was, just play him) My mistake… yo played 1 verse from an old song (I forget the name of the song, but it was Volume 2, the song with Amil and Ja Rule) Disappointed was not the word…. This crowd wasn’t as comical as Friday night’s crowd, but there was this one dude break-dancing on the floor… too funny!

Sunday, we chilled. We made it to the cookout D. It was OK… the burger could use a little more flavoring.. but it was definitely different. A fast food restaurant serving solely cookout food…. She cooked some catfish for me – banged!! Monday was a chill day as well. Both days we basically just tripped, drove around, and relaxed.

I really enjoyed myself, but basically b/c I missed my friend. It doesn’t matter where we are, b/c we always have fun together. But I’m headed back there in March…. And then we’re headed to ATL in June for her birthday. Good times, good times :o)

I was introduced to the blog world by my husband. I used to just read the blogs of people I knew when I was bored at work… I thought “blogging” was a way to vent your problems and get feedback/advice about a situation… I thought it was a way for your friends in distant places to “play catch-up” on your life happenings. I also saw blogging as a way for artists to display their literary work.

So since I’m usually am bored at work and like to get feedback from people about things going on in my life that I can’t make a decision on… I decided to become a blogger. I usually post about once a week about the things that are going on in my life… just because I don’t have much to do at work. But I still usually spend most of my time reading other people’s blogs. It’s amazing what some people write about…

But then one of my home-girls joined the blog-world and her presence has been seen world-wide :o) The way that I find new blogs to read is by clicking on comments, and finding my way to other peoples’ sites. So reading her comments I found new pages to read. Who would have known that I would find a blogger-chat-room!! Other people that are bored a work (like me) comment back and forth on a post like it’s a chat-room! They start off commenting on the actual post and then they start going off on tangents and cracking jokes… I think that is what’s up! I just want to say thank you to my new blogger-chat-room pals for helping my long boring day at work go by soooo fast… and in an interesting way!

So I leave for NC Friday immediately after work to go visit my home-girl from school. We talk/email all of the time but I haven’t seen her since October some time. She’s lonely down there (friends-wise, b/c her kids, mom and brothers are there too.) She hasn’t really meshed well with them country-folk :o) So I’m going to visit her, cheer her up a bit and we’re just going to have fun like we did in college (but not too much fun baby, we won’t do the things we did when we were in college b/c I’m married now!)

But I am looking forward to getting away from Baltimore for a while to hang out with a good friend. I miss her and her daughter. She’s the cutest things ever (the daughter that is.) She’s 4 and soooo dramatic. She’s a singer, dancer, actress…. She does it all! I don’t know what we’re going to get into, but I’m sure we’ll find something… we always do.

I’m going to miss my husband, but absence makes the heart grow fonder… so when I get back, we’ll have 4 days to make up for ;oP But he’ll be OK, probably will forget I’m gone. Two of his homeboys have birthdays that they will be celebrating… he has a charity basketball game to play in…. and he has a brand new playstation to play all day long for four days without me asking him to turn it off…. With that alone.. I know he’ll be OK!

I’m taking my camera, so pictures will be posted (sometime next week.)

In our quest for happiness we must be sure that we don't settle for a Playmate when God has a Soul mate waiting for us. Sometimes this is a hard distinction to make. Playmates are tricky. They are so much fun to be with that even the smartest of us will be fooled into thinking this has to be your Soul mate. Worse yet too many of us attempt to make a Soul mate out of a Playmate. The danger of this is that later, after years of playing we will meet our Soul mate, but it may be too late then. We may have already made a Life mate of our Playmate and created life-long bonds emotional, children, etc.) Or we may have been hurt from playing so hard that we are in no shape ourselves to be anyone's anything.

How can we distinguish between the Soul mate and the Playmate? First, we must be open with ourselves about who we really are and what our soul yearns for. Only you and God know what is truly in your heart and mind. Only you know what will make you truly happy and whole. In order to find your Soul mate you have to know you, first. You must be willing to listen to that inner voice. Is that voice telling you that the nerdy person you enjoy talking and sharing your thoughts with, could be he? What about that friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you when no one else will. Oh no! He's too short or too tall, balding or too hairy, and on and on? Just too ordinary looking for me! Then there's that girl who makes you feel so special when you’re around her, but she doesn't match that ideal you have conjured in your head. She's too tall, not slender enough, not light or dark enough, not shapely enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. She just couldn't be for me!

So what if he or she doesn't look like Allen Iverson or Halle Berry! He or she is going to treat you like the jewel that you are. Not only that, his or her soul and yours will commune in ways you never imagined possible! In order to heed that voice, we have to put on the back burner our own superficial thinking. Could it be that your inner desire is for a truly genuine person with a good heart?

If you enjoy playing, stay on the playground. There are plenty of Playmates out there to occupy your time. But don't spend too much time playing or you may play your life away. Eventually the playing loses its appeal and your soul begins to crave a deeper, more meaningful connection. Your soul begins to crave your Soul mate.

Do you know which one you have???? I know which one I have :o) I have a soul-mate. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And at the time our paths re-crossed, I had a playmate and that inner voice spoke to me, and I decided to listen, and I can’t be any happier that I did. He makes me feel special; I enjoy sharing my thoughts and dreams with him – and I love the fact that he listens to me and genuinely cares about me and my feelings and offers advice to me that’s for the benefit of me. We have so many things in common – in our past, present and future (which is why I want that ring JWD) I can always count on him to be there for me in my time of need and he never lets me down. Although it can be fun playing on the playground, life is so much better when you have a soul-mate to share it with!!!